tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28238816.post2842457522129064529..comments2024-02-24T11:28:02.310+00:00Comments on Poetry in Progress: Marion McCreadyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04657757253873577465noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28238816.post-58922666014688353032011-11-09T22:22:30.439+00:002011-11-09T22:22:30.439+00:00thanks for this james! that's what I'll fo...thanks for this james! that's what I'll focus on expanding in the redrafts.Marion McCreadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04657757253873577465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28238816.post-18554407791791526492011-11-09T19:26:55.198+00:002011-11-09T19:26:55.198+00:00I like the first five lines very much -- especiall...I like the first five lines very much -- especially the sound in the second stanza -- for its evocation of a transitory landscape, the speaker's placement in the landscape. I'm a bit adrift in the tone.... I wonder how much might be clarified if we knew who the "us" refers to. I'm supposing that "your hair" is addressing a child -- but just what is the mood between these two at the moment?James Owenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07614935078978354375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28238816.post-30881271795888400592011-11-08T23:46:03.127+00:002011-11-08T23:46:03.127+00:00"and a moment of slapstick" :)) not exac..."and a moment of slapstick" :)) not exactly what I was going for! thanks for this, jim.<br /><br />thanks rachel, that's two strokes against the title!Marion McCreadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04657757253873577465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28238816.post-24729294132151085142011-11-08T11:56:43.543+00:002011-11-08T11:56:43.543+00:00I like the "pencils" and I like how shor...I like the "pencils" and I like how short and concise this is.<br />Title... not so sure.<br />xRachel Foxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11803852725693518924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28238816.post-47601728363854084282011-11-08T10:32:06.110+00:002011-11-08T10:32:06.110+00:00Not sure what to make of the imagery here. My gut ...Not sure what to make of the imagery here. My gut reaction, after a single read, was that the poem shifted tone. It starts dark with blood and snakes and burning lungs and ends with the friendly ‘curly calligraphy’ and a moment of slapstick – a ‘bag of stars’ being emptied over their heads. I think I would change that opening stanza. The rest works not too bad. And I don’t think that’s the best title either; it goes better with that opening stanza. Calligraphy and pencils don’t work in my head – pens, yes – but I think of pencils as things that draw or scribble and curly hair is like scribbles.<br /><br>Jim Murdochhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12786388638146471193noreply@blogger.com