Sunday, December 27, 2009

1st draft


Snow flowers
decorate the riverbank.

(post removed)


An Honest Man said...

This speaks to me - For what it is worth, I like it.

Dianne said...

perfect, just full of visions and no need to explain any of it.

Newborns, what a tribute, thank you for writing.

white shadows of ourselves....

Happy repose from the holidays,Sorlil

Jim Murdoch said...

I’m probably trying too hard to decode this one. The imagery is delightful although it’s definitively a poem of two halves, the first section floral, the second marine. I had to look up ‘poinsettia’ to see if there was any special significance to the plant other than the colours but I think I’m looking too hard for meaning as usual. I liked the two uses of onomatopoeia in the latter half. Is the birth-tattoo a ‘stock bite’? I think a title might help. Probably not. I expect it’s just me.

Sorlil said...

thanks honest man, I'm very pleased you like it.

thankyou dianne, was glad to get some time out today to work on a poem.

hi jim, thanks for reading, I know what you mean about a split in the poem, the ending doesn't sit too comfortably with me.
I used poinsettia because it's a christmas plant and as you mention the leaves are red which I wanted as a slight connection to newborns. And yes, the birth-tattoo refers to a stork mark.

shug said...

Hi! Hope you had a good Christmas and that family is thriving.

Like the first part hugely, your trademark eerily shifting imagery. Don't know what relation the last five lines have to the whole, however.

I would put 'push you sleeping, pram cupped towards..' for purposes of grammar.

Sorlil said...

hi shug, the family is doing great and Christmas was a good one but a relief to have it all over with!

'eerily shifting imagery' - I like that, thankyou :)

I agree about the last five lines and thanks for the grammar check.

James Owens said...

Wonderful. It's so good to have a new poem from you!

I see the point about shifting imagery in the last five lines, but the shift doesn't really bother me. After all, the poem is about a shift, isn't it?, the mysterious looming on the hoizon --- and I love the sense of suspense at the end.

I wonder if you need the first two lines, though, and it might be better, grammatically, to rearrange the third and fourth a bit. What if the poem began like this?

"I push you towards the white drift,

I do love "pram-cupped" -- whatever you do, keep that!

Sorlil said...

thankyou james, I'm very glad to have you read it :)

I'm pleased you like pram-cupped, I've been waiting to fit it into a poem for a while now!

the arrival of the ship was supposed to echo the arrival of the child, but it hasn't worked out that way although I'm glad the sense of mysterious looming came across to you. I guess this will be the main focus of my rewrites.

Roxana said...

but this one i missed :-(
why did you take it down so soon? you didn't even allow it at least until the end of the year :-)

so i can only say: Happy New Year, dear Sorlil, for you and your dear ones, now it seems we have known each other for ages :-)

Sorlil said...

sorry, once I've seen all the problems with the first draft I don't like it being up too long :)

it does seem like that, you've certainly made my life richer. happy new year to you to, hope it's a good one!

Dominic Rivron said...

Have you removed this post - or is it a haiku? :)

Happy New Year!

Sorlil said...

hahaha :) happy new year to you too, dominic

An Honest Man said...

May you all have a peaceful, prosperous and healthy 2010.