Saturday, January 23, 2010

first draft


A Car, Snow-sunk...

(post removed)

12 comments:

Jim Murdoch said...

Okay, maybe I'm think, but I don't get the "horizontal pull". All I can think of is gravity. I do like the image of droplets as "rows of moons".

Is the narrator standing inside looking out and being drawn - is this where the horizontal pull comes in? - towards the outside?

Evocative as always.

shug said...

gawds sake wumman you do this eery dreamy stuff really well don't you? Really like this apart from the line' an ambulance floats by my bare feet' which is vaguely comical and doesn't fit the mood at all.

Dianne said...

Very sad. The longing and the memories captured are beautiful. THAT'S why we write, insn't it?
Have a good weekend.

James Owens said...

I have to agree with Jim, I don’t quite understand the “horizontal pull” --- otherwise this is marvelous! A rich dream of winter. The language is everywhere so solid that it is hard to choose a favorite line, but I certainly love “jaggy grassy tips reach through the snow” and the two closing lines, reinforced by the half-rhyme in “hedged / dead.” You create a very effective image with “The winter cherry blooms an orange glow; / a street light in its arms,” which is then continued, tellingly, when “a candle hugs a window.” Such a sense of loneliness and loss, a ghost wandering the winter street. Really good work.

Titus said...

I'm with most of the above, Sorlil - very evocative and I love the pace and images, but I am stumped by "horizontal pull". I love the sound of the line, but I am struggling for meaning when the "slow fall" follows it.
Lovely though.

Roxana said...

i thought that "horizontal pull" was some English phrase i didn't know, but i see that others have also difficulties with it. i don't mind "not understanding" (in a poem - on the contrary, i totally agree with your blog's motto) - but it is important that an image forms in my mind, and here i can't "see" anything... and i think i agree with shug on the ambulance image.

but so many things i love: my garden-cloud, the trees clothed in birds... i can't quote them all. yet i most love the wonderful line which you chose as title: A car, snow-sunk, abandoned, smells of you - such condensation of loneliness and longing... so powerful.

Sorlil said...

hi jim, you're not think at all lol :)

the horizontal pull refers to the snow weighing heavy on the branches making them lean towards the ground. I'll definitely try to make that clearer in the revision, thanks everyone.

that you think that, shug, makes me hugely happy!! thanks for the point about the ambulance line.

and to you, dianne. thanks for your kind words!

thankyou james, I'm so glad you think so - wasn't sure if 'jaggy grassy' would work okay together.

hi titus, yes I'll definitely need to clarify that horizontal pull!! thanks.

thanks roxana :) it's not my usual kind of title - wasn't sure how it would go down, so thankyou, I'm so glad you like it!

Sorlil said...

btw james, the droplets as rows of moons was the image inspired from your photo!

swiss said...

i'm with everyone else on the horizontal pull thing. i was clueless about what was going on so the last 'dead' kind of stumped me. dead? who? what?

but that very clulessness was why i liked it so much. i adored 'snow-dress' among so many other images including the title. i don't need a coherent narrative after that. really lovely!

Sorlil said...

thankyou swiss, I'm so glad you like it and super-pleased that you like it even without a narrative understanding :)

Dominic Rivron said...

I wasn't quick enough, again! :)

Sorlil said...

sorry, dominic!!