Made me want to read it over and over again!Do you have to repeat "you the piebald dream"? I find "coiffured smile" difficult to say outloud.I like palindromes, literary and musical. The way you use it as a surrealist(?) text (re)generator works.http://youtu.be/516FvPFu7ag
oh, but i'm liking this. a gap at the repetition maybe? (and is there a missing line at the end?). and a great title!
thanks dominic, good point, I'll try it both ways!ah so there is, never noticed the line missing! thankyou!
Since it’s unlikely that you could afford to reproduce the photo in a print edition it might be better to clarify which photo you’re talking about here. Robert Mapplethorpe photographed Patti so many times over the years but there was only one cover to her album Wave and this was it; that should solve your problem.This is a brave experiment. You use ‘of your hollow wrists’ the first time and then ‘in your hollow wrists’ the second. I think it should be ‘in’ both times or perhaps ‘in’ and then ‘on’. Other than that I don’t have much to say. I like it even ‘coiffured smile’ although it’s hard not to pause before saying to but that’s not bad. I actually like the fact that you repeat ‘you, the piebald dream’ and although personally I would prefer a line break it’s not a long poem and I could live without it.
thanks, jim! I see what you're saying but 'Patti Smith 1979' is the actual title of that photograph. It'd be nice to be able to afford the photo! :)
i am totally blown away by this one, beautiful, mysterious, it sounds like a magic incantation... the only thing which doesn't work for me is the repetition, i am with Dominic on this one. i doubt that a gap could solve the problem, the poem flows like a spell and a gap there would fracture it, besides the first and second part aren't different so that the break might be justified by that.
thankyou! :)fair enough, thanks for that! :)
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