Hey Marion,Greetings from NJ/USA. Found your blog off of The Truth About Lies.It has been a scorcher here the last few weeks.Thanks for these courageous posts of poems in progress - and your post earlier about the addiction of poetry. Yes, every trip to the grocery store is to pick up food and nourishment for the ravenous poem scratching at your screen door.To me, I think sections 2 and 4 are the powerful engines of this emerging poem. The parachute of hair and the clouds of yesterday (to me) need be brought closely together, and possibly be given the whole stage. Sorry if this is too froward... Peace,B.R.
This seems like a good new move,extending your range. I'm not sure about 'hung' though - although I see why you need a single syllable.
I found myself wanting to cut and paste these into each other - to make them into one poem (or perhaps a sequence of different poems). Perhaps literally, with scissors, on a desk.
hi B.R. thanks for reading! yes, I post some right crap first drafts here but it's a worthwhile process to hopefully finding the possibilities of getting a good poem out of it! I appreciate your thoughts and I'll think on that :)it's wet and miserable here in scotland, our typical summer...!thanks elizabeth, yes, trying some different things to see what can come of it, if anything at all :)hi dominic, I'm not quite sure if there's a thread joining these or not or what they are supposed to be doing. I'm hoping some objectivity and clarity will descend on me soon! :)
If there is a thread here I would suggest that it is colour. Even in the pieces where you don't mention colours by name you still talk about colourful things like daffodils or the sky. I would give the whole things the title 'Wet Paint City' personally. Whether it needs more than these four sections I'll leave up to you. There is no narrative as such. These are snapshots, postcards from Wet Paint City (I think the c should be capitalised) and maybe that would be an even better title.My suggestion would be to think about one or two other colours, perhaps orange for a sunrise and black for the night. Okay a bit obvious but you get the idea. The city is the setting. What story do you want to tell?I like the new structure here though. That is worth pursuing too. It has a similar feel to a haibun.
interesting thoughts, jim, thanks for that. yes, I started off working on a haibun but the form wasn't suiting my material
i agree with jim re the haibun feel of it. i wasn't to sure what the formatting lent to it - i like a bit of an insert but it has to do something for me - and the titling of each section seemed to make it a wee bit jerky.worked fine for me tho!
thanks for your thoughts, I'll keep that in mind :)
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