Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Horizontal Star Jumper

In surrender you sleep
hands, palms open, raised

(post removed)


anhaga said...

I like this a great deal, especially the first section. A well observed and touching image, the baby sleeping "in surrender," as well as a telling projection of the speaker's doubts and/or fears that come to the surface again at the end. I hear an effective envelope of half-rhyme in still/soil and pot/unwatched. Would you be interested in following that pattern through in the rest of the poem?

In the final section, I assumed that "barley" was a typo for "barely" --- but after reading this several times I'm not so sure. I can almost buy the image of the ceiling as a field of dimly lit barley.... which would resonate with the bean plant at the beginning.... If you really meant to type "barely," might this be an instance of the subconscious speaking through the gap left by a slip of the fingers?

Sorlil said...

thankyou, I'll try in the following drafts to introduce more internal and half rhymes to hopefully add to the sinister tone. Sorry it was a typo, I'll keep in mind your suggestion, thanks again.

Dick Jones said...

Excellent. I would make little revision to this draft. The only line that sticks in the mouth a little for me is 'smothered by motherliness'.

This has strong resonances for me: I've returned to the theme of my sleeping children several times. In fact, I have one such poem very nearly finished.

Sorlil said...

I wondered if that line was a bit of a mouthful, thanks for that. Being a new parent means that it's a new theme for me, one I'm sure I'll return to!