Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Rest and Be Thankful

On The Rest we lie

(post removed)


An Honest Man said...

I don't know why, but I felt a bit uncomfortable with the use of 'smack' which seems to abrupt. Would 'smacking' alter your intended sense? I feel it fits more comfortably.

I did enjoy the poem though and, knowing the particular road, found it particularly apposite.

Sorlil said...

yes I wondered if it would be too abrupt, thanks for confirming that, will change it to 'smacking'.

Anonymous said...

A fine evocation of an all-embracing night sky. And keep 'smack'.

Sorlil said...

Thanks dick. Hmmm...conflicting views about 'smack'!
The writer in me says keep 'smack' as it works in an onomatopoeic sense in relation to the waves hitting the beach wall, and also adding an 'ing' always dilutes the immediacy of the writing, so dick I know where you're coming from.
However if it's disturbing the flow of the poem to the non-poetry writer (I'm assuming you don't write poetry honest man?!)then maybe it's best to change it.

An Honest Man said...

I'm told (and I quite believe) I'm reactionary in my views of poetry {and you're correct that I don't write it}. It took me a long time to even come to terms with 'non-rhyming' poetry so treat any/all of my comments with due care.

Rob said...

There a strong 'eye' sound - lie, sky, Orion, drive, high high, highway, mountainside. It gives a formal unity to the poem. I'd consider finding an alternative for "sky" in line 10 - you've already mentioned "winter sky", so "rotunda sky" seems a repetition too far, and the "eye" sound is established enough for it not to be necessary there.

But the biggest way to improve this poem would be to ditch the final three lines. It's a summing-up and closes off the poem's possibilites. Let the poem do its work on the reader by finishing earlier - either on "pumpkin moon" (my hunch is that this is best) or at the end of the next line.

I like the poem. I'd keep "smack" too for sure.

Sorlil said...

Thanks rob, I didn't notice there were 3 'sky's' so thanks for that. I like your idea of ending it on 'pumpkin moon', endings are definitely not my forte!