let us turn spheres with our feet,
(post removed)
Thanks to Dave I'm now officially a kick ass blogger
Though I don't see myself in the same league as the entertaining and thoroughly informing blogs of Dave and Jim, thankyou. I don't know what a kick ass blogger is Dave, but as you said it's who it comes from that makes it meaningful and I'm pleased that you thought of me!
9 comments:
I really enjoyed reading this poem and found myself wondering what you were going to call it?
thanks dominic, I'm glad you like it! yes I've not got a title yet, any suggestions?
I did a lot of cycling in my youth and the road dipping into darkness and distances really speaks to me. Fine poem.
I don't know what a Kick Ass Blogger is. I don't know what Kick Ass means. Jim doesn't know either. Maybe no one does!
When I first read this poem I couldn't stop myself thinking of the end of 'The Jaguar' by Ted Hughes:
The world rolls under the long thrust of his heel.
Over the cage floor the horizons come.
I like the opening even if I'm not sure where the 'seaplane' fits into it all although I like the idea of 'the drone' doing the transporting.
The next line flows well – good use of alliteration – and I could envisage the rolling road but then we hit 'cycling on air / or moonlight' and the bike came crashing down like in E.T. This struck me as a bit clichéd. I'm sure it's just cynical ol' me but I wasn't crazy about that bit.
'Beyond the brow of a hill / I know of a yew tree. Come sit with me.' – this seems a bit stilted to my tastes; people don't talk like that.
As for the 'yew' I'm not sure if you picked that for a specific reason. In Celtic mythology is symbolises transference, passage or illusion although that's not a complete list but it seems appropriate to the situation that follows.
I didn't like 'irregular' – it's an awkward word. I could've lived with 'twisted' but I would've liked something more imaginative. I'm not a big nature poet but one time I did describe trees I did so as follow: "trees are lungs are gasping for breath" because I was so struck with the visual image of a tree without leaves. I'm not sure that's appropriate here but have a think about it.
Only do not touch its leaves or stroke my cheek;
for death comes quick, but love even quicker still.
I don't know. This seems so out of place in a 21st century poem. I read the two lines to Carrie out of context and she thought exactly the same as me: Browning, only the meter's not quite right (an extra syllable in the last line).
Of course I don't know what you were aiming at and this may well be a compliment. It's certainly not intended as an insult, merely an observation. Hope some of this helps.
thanks dave, I'm glad you think so.
thanks for that jim, yes I was afraid there would be an E.T. connection and I know I've committed the cardinal sin of modern poetry in the last two lines but I indulged myself just this once!
I enjoyed it. Some fine lines - 'Let us look at the stars through its irregular arms.'
Congratulations on your newly acquired 'kick ass' status Sorlil, whatever it may be.
Yes, I like the 'irregular arms' too. And the 'churning'.
thankyou frances!
thanks rachel, I'm glad you like those bits
Post a Comment