Monday, August 25, 2008

Come and Cycle With Me

let us turn spheres with our feet,
(post removed)

Thanks to Dave I'm now officially a kick ass blogger

Though I don't see myself in the same league as the entertaining and thoroughly informing blogs of Dave and Jim, thankyou. I don't know what a kick ass blogger is Dave, but as you said it's who it comes from that makes it meaningful and I'm pleased that you thought of me!


Dominic Rivron said...

I really enjoyed reading this poem and found myself wondering what you were going to call it?

Sorlil said...

thanks dominic, I'm glad you like it! yes I've not got a title yet, any suggestions?

Dave King said...

I did a lot of cycling in my youth and the road dipping into darkness and distances really speaks to me. Fine poem.

I don't know what a Kick Ass Blogger is. I don't know what Kick Ass means. Jim doesn't know either. Maybe no one does!

Jim Murdoch said...

When I first read this poem I couldn't stop myself thinking of the end of 'The Jaguar' by Ted Hughes:

    The world rolls under the long thrust of his heel.
    Over the cage floor the horizons come.

I like the opening even if I'm not sure where the 'seaplane' fits into it all although I like the idea of 'the drone' doing the transporting.

The next line flows well – good use of alliteration – and I could envisage the rolling road but then we hit 'cycling on air / or moonlight' and the bike came crashing down like in E.T. This struck me as a bit clichéd. I'm sure it's just cynical ol' me but I wasn't crazy about that bit.

'Beyond the brow of a hill / I know of a yew tree. Come sit with me.' – this seems a bit stilted to my tastes; people don't talk like that.

As for the 'yew' I'm not sure if you picked that for a specific reason. In Celtic mythology is symbolises transference, passage or illusion although that's not a complete list but it seems appropriate to the situation that follows.

I didn't like 'irregular' – it's an awkward word. I could've lived with 'twisted' but I would've liked something more imaginative. I'm not a big nature poet but one time I did describe trees I did so as follow: "trees are lungs are gasping for breath" because I was so struck with the visual image of a tree without leaves. I'm not sure that's appropriate here but have a think about it.

    Only do not touch its leaves or stroke my cheek;
    for death comes quick, but love even quicker still.

I don't know. This seems so out of place in a 21st century poem. I read the two lines to Carrie out of context and she thought exactly the same as me: Browning, only the meter's not quite right (an extra syllable in the last line).

Of course I don't know what you were aiming at and this may well be a compliment. It's certainly not intended as an insult, merely an observation. Hope some of this helps.

Sorlil said...

thanks dave, I'm glad you think so.
thanks for that jim, yes I was afraid there would be an E.T. connection and I know I've committed the cardinal sin of modern poetry in the last two lines but I indulged myself just this once!

Dick said...

I enjoyed it. Some fine lines - 'Let us look at the stars through its irregular arms.'

Sorlil said...

thanks dick, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Frances said...

Congratulations on your newly acquired 'kick ass' status Sorlil, whatever it may be.

Rachel Fox said...

Yes, I like the 'irregular arms' too. And the 'churning'.

Sorlil said...

thankyou frances!
thanks rachel, I'm glad you like those bits