Sunday, September 07, 2008

1st draft

The Captayannis

The Firth has birthed a sugar ship.

(post removed)

7 comments:

Crafty Green Poet said...

this is a fascinating poem, the idea of a sugar ship captained by cormorants is quite arresting...

swiss said...

nice one! i really liked this on first read

Jim Murdoch said...

On the whole I liked this piece. That it has structure, albeit a looser one that I would have looked for myself, pleases me. I liked the shifting voice from personal to impersonal and back again; the italics were a help.

Some interesting linguisting things going on here ('Firth'/'birthed', 'yacht-mottled' - loved it - and 'girls / 'heels') but I would change 'glide' to 'drift' to get the play on the continental drift.

I didn't like that you repeated 'cormorants' and 'plums' but I could live with it. And I didn't like that I had to look up 'The Captayannis' to work out what the hell you were on about but we've had this discussion before so we know each others thoughts on the matter.

But on the whole it works. I especially loved the idea of a window translating morning. Very good.

Sorlil said...

thanks for commenting cgp!
thanks swiss, I'm glad you like it.
hi jim, thanks for your thoughts, I'm pleased you like it!

Dominic Rivron said...

Loved the turning the river to syrup.

Sorlil said...

thanks dominic

sumon220 said...

Really nice just like it.