Sunday, September 07, 2008

1st draft

Atlantic Shore

My pramless arms

(post removed)


Rachel Fox said...

My favourite of yours so far. 'Pramless arms'...would have meant nothing to me 8+ years ago but these days it means everything! For those 2 words together alone - yes, yes, yes.

Frances said...

I agree. Another stunner sorlil. Lyrical and beautifully put together full of resounding images. Well done.

Sorlil said...

thanks rachel, I'm glad you like it!
hi frances, thankyou, that's very nice of you to say so.

Dominic Rivron said...

Sometimes a poem really gets to you. This got to me!

Also, I must admit I didn't know what Sargassum was. I've looked it up now - so thanks for that, too:)

Jim Murdoch said...

It took me a while to get into this piece. If fact this is my second go at commenting because my first was not a little uncharitable. The image of a childless woman on a seemingly barren shoreline is actually quite well done. I still don't like 'pramless arms' which is to say I do like it but it's a bit too obvious. That said, I don’t see the arms as 'weightless as clouds' by any stretch of the imagination; surely they'd be heavy, tired arms? Or am I coming at this from a completely different angle? Is she not free to wander the beach because the kid is not in school? Good alliterative final stanza – nice you got 'lullaby' in there. I keep tripping over 'moonless tide' – I keep wanting to add in an extra syllable here, 'the moonless tide'. Other than that it reads quite well. The 'flow' / 'glow' rhyme is a bit heavy-handed but other than that there's a lot of nice subtle rhyme work going on here.

Rachel Fox said...

Where did you get 'tired' from Jim? You've put that in yourself I think. I took it as arms that are experiencing the freedom from pushing a pram for a while (child elsewhere..first day at playgroup?) and then they would definitely feel weightless (and young!) free, so happy (however much you love the child...always great to get a break...some peace). And then also you can't forget the child..hence the lullaby.
That's how I read it. First read anyway.

Sorlil said...

thanks dominic, I'm glad you like it.
hi jim, I appreciate you're honesty and thanks for the points you make. pramless arms, for me, is a strange and liberating experience rather than tired - perhaps it's generally a female experience!
hi rachel, it's interesting to read your interpretation!

Jim Murdoch said...

My first reaction - and actually only reaction till I read Rachel's comment - was that the baby had died. I got that from the images of the river that did not flow and the lighthouse that did not glow and the fact she is looking for embryos suggested to me that she had lost a child, possibly in a cot death bearing in mind the lullaby at the end.

Sorlil said...

yep, you got it jim! though I'm happy for anyone to take their own interpretations.

Roxana said...

I've always liked your special gift for alliterations! the b and s-sounds are so powerful here: I sit on the beach’s broken steps,
seaweed breaks the silence
of the shallows.
It is very beautiful, sorlil, one doesn't even need to know what happened to the child/woman (and why). it's a poem, not a novel :-)

Sorlil said...

thankyou roxana, that's very nice of you to say so!

Rachel Fox said...

Yes, I agree it doesn't matter..but the mind is bound to wonder. Words are chosen for a reason (even if the poet doesn't exactly know what the reasons are!). I think I got carried away with what 'pramless arms' meant to me not that long ago...and went off in that direction, no looking back!