Monday, January 05, 2009

Okay, the latest versions, just for Hugh!

Town Song

Taxis haunt the highways,

(post removed)

11 comments:

Jim Murdoch said...

Both better. The second one still doesn't excite me but I think you've nailed the first one. Nice subtle use of rhyme.

Sorlil said...

thanks for that, jim!

shug said...

you deevil, I was just about to comment.

Sorlil said...

lol, you have to quick around here ;)

James Owens said...

I like both of these, those I would have to agree in perferring the first. The rhyme works well, and it seems more put together, as a whole. I do love the first stanza of the second, though, especially the echo in "skin / hinge." And "lips to christen my mouth" is a fine line with fine surprise in it.

Sorlil said...

thanks for this, james, I'm very glad you like them. I'm not entirely happy with them yet, probably do some more shuffling around at some point!

shug said...

The first one seems to me disjointed still. I wonder if a change in the line order would benefit it.

I walk the broken...
where taxis haunt the high..
An ambulance floats...
The streets smoke in moonlight..

It still gives the impression of a series of partly unconnected observations, and unrelated to the conclusion you're making about yourself.

Like the second one better, though I don't know about coals singing and hinges calling and ships bringing breath. You've elongated it since the last time and it's lost some of the breathless dreamy atmosphere.

Don't know if any of that was worth the wait, was it? I hope so. I really enjoy your stuff.

Sorlil said...

thankyou, it certainly is worth the wait :) I stupidly deleted the original versions without saving a copy so I can't even compare them. think I'll leave these aside for a while before I go back and revise them. cheers

Roxana said...

I too like the second one better. but if it were to pick up just a single image, then it would be: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound…
this line is wonderful.

Sorlil said...

thanks roxana, I'd love to take the credit for it but it's the first line of a well known hymn!

Roxana said...

:-)
and from 1725 too! now I have to be ashamed of my ignorance and happy that I have discovered such a beautiful hymn at the same time :-) but now it makes even more sense, the way you used it.