Tuesday, January 20, 2009

If this looks familiar it's beacause it's a reworking of a section from an previous draft poem.

She Moves Among Buttercup Fields

Buttercups stain the heels

(Post removed)

14 comments:

Roxana said...

your poems are often mysterious because they have this hidden narrative one cannot fully grasp... it is truly captivating, you have a gift for that.

deemikay said...

"mirrors of men" is interesting. I had a similar thought on the train coming home last night!

It's early, I'll be back later to read properly.

Frances said...

This poem really gets into its stride in the fourth stanza. The line 'my aunt calls to me etc. would make a strong beginning I feel.

I'm not sure about the 'rain-blessed tongue' and 'peopleless' islands as they feel a bit over-written. I think there's confusion about 'she' and 'I' in the first two stanzas but I agree with deemikay. Love 'mirrors of men'.

Sorlil said...

hi roxana, thankyou for that. my worry is that I'm not sure if I can get away with so many 'hidden narratives' or whether it's just an excuse for an underdeveloped poem.

hi deemikay, aha! great minds and that, lol!

hi frances, thanks. I appreciate your thoughts, you've give me some ideas.

deemikay said...

Well, my mind is anything but great... :)

I actually think this could work as two separate pieces (the second beginning at "My aunt calls me"). And the last six lines sound lovely aloud.

I still haven't done anything with my mirror women yet... maybe soon.

Sorlil said...

interesting idea, deemikay, thankyou for that. I like the 'mirror women' idea as well!

Colin Will said...

I like this poem very much, Sorlil. It has a gentle feeling of truth in it, and some beautiful lines.

Sorlil said...

thankyou colin, I'm very glad you like it.

Jim Murdoch said...

Yes, this is better. As for the comment on 'peopleless' I wonder if 'depopulated' might work better? Or 'barren' only that could be read as never having been populated. Perhaps 'now barren'?

Sorlil said...

thanks jim, I'm glad you think it's an improvement and thanks for the ideas.

Roxana said...

our strongest point can often become our weakness. it all depends on how you deal with it, I believe.

Dave King said...

I'm with Roxana. They are mysterious - and don't necessarily need to be judged by the usual rules.

Dave King said...

Hi Sorlil,
I have taken the liberty of presenting you with The Lemonade Award. I hope this chimes happily with you and that you will feel able to accept it. Details on my blog Here
My thanks to you for all the pleasure your blog has given me to date.
Dave

Sorlil said...

good point roxana, thanks for that and thanks dave, I'm glad you think so.

it's so nice that you thought of me dave, thankyou for your kind words.