Friday, October 23, 2009

First Draft

Missing

What did you do to her, you swallowed her whole.

(post removed)

10 comments:

Jim Murdoch said...

I like the sound of this and the way the first three lines reappear in the next three stanzas. I'm a bit frustrated by the lack of a title to use as an interpreter. At first I simply thought we were talking about a beach – completely forgot you'd ever been pregnant – and so I kinda took a step back when I got to the last stanza. AH! This might be metaphorical, I thought to myself, which is a bit daft because you're generally heavily metaphorical. I don't like the penultimate line. I'd rather see 'You carry her inside you' rather than 'in you tummy' – I just think 'tummy' is a funny word, a rather childish word – but then that might be what you're going for. And I don't get the bit about the wallet. The whole line jars us away from the beach imagery. I'll be interested to see what others have to say but that's my knee-jerk response.

Sorlil said...

thanks for this, jim. I should say this is not about me or my pregnancy despite how the penultimate line reads! thanks again.

Rachel Fox said...

Back to work, my girl, I see!
I like the 'veined waves' and quite a few of the other details (I like the wallet). You probably could play with its shape and so on but the raw materials are there.

Unlike Jim I don't try to work out what your poems are about. I'm not sure you're really an about kind of lass...are you? Am I wrong?

I am much more an about kind of a writer. Can't help myself.
x

Sorlil said...

thanks rachel, you're absolutely right - I'm not an about kind of writer as in having a specific narrative or story to tell. more like working through association and trying to find representatives that express my feelings.

Titus said...

Brilliant first/last line, and lovely sound links throughout. Evocative, disturbing, didn't make any "pregnancy" associations for me. "tummy" did jar me a little though, as it does feels like a change in tone and I can't work out why it is there.

swiss said...

that's just lovely.

tummy/wallet? you pays your money! what's it about? i don't much care.

setting the bar low for your triumphant return! lol

Sorlil said...

thankyou titus, I have you to thank for helping me finish this draft - it was the line repetition in your recent poem that gave me the idea to try it out on this when I was stuck!

the tummy part is from a quote, as is the first/last line which is why the tone is different.

hi swiss, thankyou! I'm so glad you like it.

Roxana said...

and yes, triumphant return it is :-)
for me the associations were more in the vein of some dark crime story than pregnancy :-) though i don't care about solving the puzzle as long as there are such great images there which i can't get out of my head, especially: The beach grasses lean like a crowd of girls.

Sorlil said...

thanks roxana, you're on the right train of thought there!

Roxana said...

hurrahhh :-)