Tuesday, July 19, 2011

First draft

(post removed)

11 comments:

swiss said...

i very much like the idea of this. the two hand images tho seem a bit superfluous and, for me, weaken the rest.

Elizabeth Rimmer said...

I like the shape of this one, and the atmosphere. I'm not sure about separating that apostrophe s, though it made me think, which is never a bad thing

Marion McCready said...

ahh, I'll think about that, thanks swiss.

hi elizabeth, thanks. yes, I wondered if it would be annoying or not, a wee experiment :)

Titus said...

I like the first
'Under my hands
the material cries'
but I'm with swiss on the second, it's not doing anything.

I was pretty taken with the split baby's, because obviously it gives the powerful line. Would I find it annoying after a while though, and it is doing anything else? Ah, have to think more.

Marion McCready said...

thanks for that! :)

Jim Murdoch said...

Different. Which is, I have no doubt, what you were looking for. Nature is still there but in the background. No title which it needs, and not just a label. Some interesting choices here, the use of italics (who is speaking here?) and the unusual line break in the middle of ‘baby’s’. I’m not big on these – Marianne Moore uses them when her syllabic rhythms don’t play and I’m not entirely convinced by her arguments – but the obvious thing here is that you want us to read ‘They lie with my baby’ first suggesting the death of something (the baby? childhood?). The mother is dead – her scarves are her proxy and the baby’s jumpsuit and (her?) ‘1st Christmas dress’ are also proxies. A second-hand shop is the final (in relative terms at least) resting place of things that once had a life. But why ‘first’ for jumpsuit and ‘1st’ for Christmas? And when you say, “Second-hand clothes / have a song of their own, it says” what is the ‘it’? The shop? Coming so quickly after the plurals, ‘hands’ and ‘hangers’ this is confusing. Sonically ‘valley’ and ‘alleyway’ works but I’m not crazy about it. I know you’re looking for a city equivalent but I find myself resisting it. The same with hanger sighing. I see what you’re going for but ‘sigh’ doesn’t feel right. On the whole I like it though.

Marion McCready said...

you're right, the 'it' should be 'they', thanks for that. 'alleyway' was just a lazy rhyme that came with it being a first draft. not yet decided whether it's too cheap to keep or playful enough to stay. thanks for this, jim :)

Marion McCready said...

just remembered the 'it' refers to the song which is why it is singular, though obviously this isn't clear so I'll have to change it somehow

Jim Murdoch said...

You might want to have a think about the word 'swale'. It has a nice sound.

sunnydunny said...

From this and the previous one, it looks like you're experimenting. More power to you.
Colin

Marion McCready said...

I've never come across that, jim!

thanks colin, yes I am which means writing lots of mince hoping to get something decent out of it! :)