Thursday, August 04, 2011

First Draft

(poem removed)

5 comments:

sunnydunny said...

This definitely sounds like a sequence building up, Marion. I'm impressed by these poems. I like the mystery, but it's expressed in very precise, assured language.

Jim Murdoch said...

The opening quote – at least I took it to be a quote – puzzled me. The second part I recognised from Philippians 2:11 – “For in that day every tongue shall confess that Jesus is Lord” – but not the first. On checking I wonder if you extracted it from Stu Weber’s book Tender Warrior, where he said:

“Within the willingness to die for family and home, something inside us longs for someone to die with . . . someone to die beside . . . someone to lock step with. Another man with a heart like our own. That’s what David was saying about Prince Jonathan. Every warrior needs a fellow soldier. Every fighter pilot needs a wing man.”

I really don’t get this one. I assume there is a religious sub-text here – possibly a desire for the rapture? – but it doesn’t work for me. “When he comes” … the second coming? Skin to adore … Christ returned in some physical form? (He can’t because that would negate the value of his sacrifice but this is poetry so what the heck.)The gilding of her throat … singing praises? Ash-black thumb … presumably a reference to the ash used on the first day of Lent, an odd thing because presumably this would be a time not of mourning but of rejoicing.

For once, for you, the water imagery seems out of place.

Anyway, that’s my best guess. Probably way off the mark.

Marion McCready said...

thanks colin, I feel like I'm writing in the dark with these poems but hoping they'll lead the way to better writing.

hi jim, the opening lines are the first and last lines of the poem. it's a technique I picked up from Claire Crowther's Fatrasie workshop and I'm a bit obsessed with it at the moment. I love how it shows the progression from the beginning to the end of the poem and how they connect / contrast.

rather than a sub-text I'd say the religious aspects are part of the landscape / background of the narrator. I've never heard of the Weber book.

James Owens said...

Some lines and images here are lovely -- "The sea crows into her thigh," for example -- but overall I have to agree with Jim. The first lines, down to "thigh," perhaps, are intriguing, and I want to understand the context, the setting ... but for me it remains fragmentary in the rest of the poem....

Marion McCready said...

thanks for that, james. these are really exercise poems, I appreciate the feedback.