Sunday, March 02, 2008

rewrite again!

I should probably leave this piece alone for a while...but instead I've put it through another draft!

Becoming Spring

The clouds cover, hover, peter
out to blue

(post removed)


Dick said...

I'm not going to read the earlier version because I loved this - 'Rain falls fat, gloopy, drenching /
the grass of my hair', 'My skin / is lichen now and the throng
of rain, my voice, has thinned
to a damp psalm'. Superb.

Sorlil said...

thanks dick, I'm glad you like it!

Frances said...

I love the combined imagery of the coming of spring, with the kirk and the psalms. A highly descriptive piece with a feeling of peace and newness. Well done.

Sorlil said...

thanks frances, I'm glad you like it!

swiss said...

here you go....

The Changing of the Wheel

I sit on the steps in front of the house, deflated,
My father changing the wheel.
I am neither here nor there,
One place or another,
Going nowhere and wanting neither.
Helping him, the old man,
Would be the smart thing,
But I’m too busy sitting, saying nothing.
There you are son, all done,
The wheel spinning beautifully under his hands.
I walk past him,
My father waves.
I drive off.

Sorlil said...

ha, fun to compare, ok here's mine -

New Tyres

I sit on the steps in front of the house.
Father is fitting the winter tyres
onto my car. From where I’ve come
I don’t want to go and where I long
to go, I don’t want to go. The smartest thing
would be to muck in,
lend a hand. But I just sit,
keep stum, watch and don’t know
what I want. Look, the tyres are on
already. He waves to me,
I drive away.

Sorlil said...

You've captured more of a sense of pathos than in mine with 'the old man', 'there you are son', 'I walk past him'. Oh well, all a learning experience!

swiss said...

i don't know, you've got more of the colloquial sense using 'muck in' and 'keep stum'. that's what makes it interesting!

it's like that thing out of the lowell book, esp when you have comparisons likethis. you get to compare how people thinkand then consider what drives your choices. verrrry interesting i say