nice, esp rivers colliding
Not very helpful but here goes: I really struggle with blending a phone conversation with all the sea metaphors especially dreams leaking through the earpiece. I looked at it last night and it just didn't excite me and I thought it was just me being tired. I can see what you're trying to do here but - for me - it isn't making a connection. Hopefully others will be more positive and constructive.
Sorry 'Pebble Shores' was what I read last night. Brain mush.
hi swiss, thankyou.lol, take it your not keen on either poem then! I appreciate the points you make jim, thanks for that.
There's some lovely lines in this Sorlil, particularly the third stanza. I tend to agree with Jim about the sea and the phone conversation though. As there is a kiss in it, could this be a face to face as it were (if you'll excuse the pun).
thanks frances, I'm glad you think so. and thanks for pointing that out, I'll keep it in mind when re-drafting.
I think that there are too many different images which don't connect very well, preventing a central metaphor to emerge, like it happened (and perfectly!) in 'pebble shores'.I love this: Lover, shadow overmy skin by lamplight.
I enjoyed reading this. However, what would happen if you ditched the first three stanzas? There is good stuff in them, but the fourth makes such an arresting beginning. The resulting 5 stanza poem feels really tight to me.
thanks for that, roxana, I think you're right. thanks for the idea, dominic, I'll give it a go. cheers.
I'm not sure how to respond to these. They are the sort of jottings I make when a poem begins to emerge and I'm not sure where it's coming from or going to. I can feel all sorts of possibilities emerging, but I'm sure they're quite other than what is occurring to you, so it's best I shut up, say nothing, wish you luck with your muse and hope to see the final draft ere long.
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