Wednesday, March 11, 2009

first draft

After the Phone Breaks

In the bronze glow of streetlight
my limbs become medallions.

(post removed)

11 comments:

swiss said...

nice, esp rivers colliding

Jim Murdoch said...

Not very helpful but here goes: I really struggle with blending a phone conversation with all the sea metaphors especially dreams leaking through the earpiece. I looked at it last night and it just didn't excite me and I thought it was just me being tired. I can see what you're trying to do here but - for me - it isn't making a connection. Hopefully others will be more positive and constructive.

Jim Murdoch said...

Sorry 'Pebble Shores' was what I read last night. Brain mush.

Sorlil said...

hi swiss, thankyou.

lol, take it your not keen on either poem then! I appreciate the points you make jim, thanks for that.

Frances said...

There's some lovely lines in this Sorlil, particularly the third stanza. I tend to agree with Jim about the sea and the phone conversation though. As there is a kiss in it, could this be a face to face as it were (if you'll excuse the pun).

Sorlil said...

thanks frances, I'm glad you think so. and thanks for pointing that out, I'll keep it in mind when re-drafting.

Roxana said...

I think that there are too many different images which don't connect very well, preventing a central metaphor to emerge, like it happened (and perfectly!) in 'pebble shores'.

I love this:
Lover, shadow over
my skin by lamplight.

Dominic Rivron said...

I enjoyed reading this. However, what would happen if you ditched the first three stanzas? There is good stuff in them, but the fourth makes such an arresting beginning. The resulting 5 stanza poem feels really tight to me.

Sorlil said...

thanks for that, roxana, I think you're right.

thanks for the idea, dominic, I'll give it a go. cheers.

Dave King said...

I'm not sure how to respond to these. They are the sort of jottings I make when a poem begins to emerge and I'm not sure where it's coming from or going to. I can feel all sorts of possibilities emerging, but I'm sure they're quite other than what is occurring to you, so it's best I shut up, say nothing, wish you luck with your muse and hope to see the final draft ere long.

Sorlil said...

thanks dave.