Sunday, October 28, 2012

first draft

(poem removed)

6 comments:

Dominic Rivron said...

I like the immediacy, the "postcard-like" quality. And shades of CP Cavafy, I thought.

The quote at the end is fine. Found myself wondering if I'd use the quote itself or an allusion to it (talk of gathering chicks).

Marion McCready said...

thanks Dominic, I appreciate your thoughts. I've not really read much Cavafy, I look him up :)

Jim Murdoch said...

I agree with Dominic--the word 'shapshots' came to mind before I read his comment--and an effective portrait this is. A polish woulnd't hurt but as first drafts go you're building on solid ground.

I wonder about the title though. It reminds me of 1 Peter 2:5 (you are living stones that God is building into his spiritual temple) but when I think of Jerusalem I think that Habakkuk 2:11 (The stones of the wall will cry out, and the beams of the woodwork will echo it.) might be closer to the mark. We have the famous wailing wall but, of course, everyone knows it's not the walls that wail and yet they should.

Marion McCready said...

thanks Jim! yes, I'm still in two minds about the title...

swiss said...

i liked it but it was gone before i could have a second read. you'd be right if you thought i may have missed any of the biblical stuff above!

Marion McCready said...

sorry swiss, I'll try and leave it up longer next time! :)