Tuesday, November 08, 2011

A short poem

First draft

The Fire-leaves of Autumn

(post removed)


Jim Murdoch said...

Not sure what to make of the imagery here. My gut reaction, after a single read, was that the poem shifted tone. It starts dark with blood and snakes and burning lungs and ends with the friendly ‘curly calligraphy’ and a moment of slapstick – a ‘bag of stars’ being emptied over their heads. I think I would change that opening stanza. The rest works not too bad. And I don’t think that’s the best title either; it goes better with that opening stanza. Calligraphy and pencils don’t work in my head – pens, yes – but I think of pencils as things that draw or scribble and curly hair is like scribbles.

Rachel Fox said...

I like the "pencils" and I like how short and concise this is.
Title... not so sure.

Marion McCready said...

"and a moment of slapstick" :)) not exactly what I was going for! thanks for this, jim.

thanks rachel, that's two strokes against the title!

James Owens said...

I like the first five lines very much -- especially the sound in the second stanza -- for its evocation of a transitory landscape, the speaker's placement in the landscape. I'm a bit adrift in the tone.... I wonder how much might be clarified if we knew who the "us" refers to. I'm supposing that "your hair" is addressing a child -- but just what is the mood between these two at the moment?

Marion McCready said...

thanks for this james! that's what I'll focus on expanding in the redrafts.