Thursday, October 02, 2008

First draft

The Greenock Hills

[post removed]

7 comments:

shug said...

I like your poetry- there's always an urgent kind of sensual rush about it all.

If it were mine I would try and find a tighter focus, maybe centred round Section 2. And I can't help myself reading that your head is full of leaves, which I know it isn't!

Sorlil said...

thanks shug! thanks for the advice, I agree. glad you don't think my head is full of leaves! - will shift it onto the next line

swiss said...

maybe it's just me but i don't like the look of the first stanza in part 3. all the others are three lines long and then there's this (sorry) clog of words. i don't have a problem with the content - i think it's my favourite bit in fact, just that it seems to jar visually.

or it could be i just like long stringy looking poems! lol

swiss said...

actually looking at it again (and now i am being cheeky or maybe it's just i don;t want to go a-cleaning) it's like there's two poems.

i cut and pasted the first two sections and liked that. then i took the third bit and rearranged it a bit and i really liked that! esp the life raft bit, that's a belter. i'd like to see you write something more around that image, not in this but in something else

Rachel Fox said...

I like 'grey is the shudder...' and all that section.
On the other hand I can't decide whether the leaves falling like rain is good or a bit of...cliche. You get so much rain in poems in Britain...it's a tricky one. I like the repeated section...just not sure about the rain...are you?

Dave King said...

I must confess that on first reading I thought there was more than one poem, but having said that, and read it again, it is absolutely stunning. I was bowled over by the first two verses and never really recovered.

Rachel Fox said...

Still not sure about the rain! I think my head is now officially full of leaves...

x