I like your poetry- there's always an urgent kind of sensual rush about it all.If it were mine I would try and find a tighter focus, maybe centred round Section 2. And I can't help myself reading that your head is full of leaves, which I know it isn't!
thanks shug! thanks for the advice, I agree. glad you don't think my head is full of leaves! - will shift it onto the next line
maybe it's just me but i don't like the look of the first stanza in part 3. all the others are three lines long and then there's this (sorry) clog of words. i don't have a problem with the content - i think it's my favourite bit in fact, just that it seems to jar visually.or it could be i just like long stringy looking poems! lol
actually looking at it again (and now i am being cheeky or maybe it's just i don;t want to go a-cleaning) it's like there's two poems. i cut and pasted the first two sections and liked that. then i took the third bit and rearranged it a bit and i really liked that! esp the life raft bit, that's a belter. i'd like to see you write something more around that image, not in this but in something else
I like 'grey is the shudder...' and all that section.On the other hand I can't decide whether the leaves falling like rain is good or a bit of...cliche. You get so much rain in poems in Britain...it's a tricky one. I like the repeated section...just not sure about the rain...are you?
I must confess that on first reading I thought there was more than one poem, but having said that, and read it again, it is absolutely stunning. I was bowled over by the first two verses and never really recovered.
Still not sure about the rain! I think my head is now officially full of leaves...x
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