Monday, October 20, 2008

First draft

The Man Who Gave Eyes to the Sea

The sea photographs

(post removed)


swiss said...

nice! great title. for me tho, the poem finishes at languid language. i think the imagery you've chosen for the sea is so good that when you introduce the project and the photographer the poem as a whole is diminished. those first six stanzas tho, off the top of my head i think are the best thing you've written this year. i'd stick them on my wall!

or not! i'll be curious to see what others say

Jim Murdoch said...

Okay, let's get the citicism out of the way first: surely it should be 'hints' - mouths hint but a mouth hints.

As for the rest, I liked - eventually - that at first I didn't have a clue what was going on. It was like being in muddied water that suddenly becomes clear and we see what's really going on.

It's a great title for a poem and I was so scared you were going to waste it. Quite evocative.

I am tempted to agree with Swiss. I'm not sure we need to know what the photographer is going to do next. It doesn't bother me that you've told us though.

Sorlil said...

wow, thanks swiss! I agree that the second half is a lot less fluid ('scuse the pun!)

hi jim! of course, you are right - 'hints' it shall be. I hope this means that you don't think I've wasted the title! thanks for the comments.

Jim Murdoch said...

If I implied that then I'm sorry. It's a good poem but it's a great title. I have a few like that where nothing really could follow the title. Something to bear in mind. I'm actually rather lazy with titles and I keep meaning to not be. I've seen a couple of poets who just number their poems (which I do anyway) but I think (even though I don't do) that a good title should be the key to unlocking a poem not simply a way of indexing it.

Rachel Fox said...

I like all of it, I think, but the last two lines especially so don't ditch the end (boom boom).

Sorlil said...

thanks jim, I think sometimes a title is a great way to unlock a poem though I'm really not into those almost-longer-than-the-actual-poem titles!

thanks rachel, I'm glad you like it.

Roxana said...

I tend to agree with swiss, the photographer diminishes the mystery and the depth of the initial idea, it all becomes just too explicite! I especially like 'the tilt and fall
of the cutaway whorls: the call of the westerlies.'

Sorlil said...

thanks roxana!