This is great. For what it's worth, I like it a lot.By the way, may I link to you?
thanks sb, I'm glad you like it. of course you may like to me, and I'll do likewise!
That's very good of you.
This is much better that the first draft. I was struggling with it so I'm glad to see a reworking. I don't like the line 'The Greenock hills, the ambushed hills' because you don't mirror the opening stanza due to that 'sugar beet' line. You might lose the line 'twilight fog descends' or you could combine the two – 'The hills are white now, twilight fog descends'Either way I'd have a look at these two stanzas. Other than that, it's quite evocative. The Churchill is perfect.
thanks for that jim, I think I will do that, there was too many 'Greenock's' in it anyhow.
I agree with the revisions you've made. This is better than the earlier version. In fact, there's not a thing here I don't like. I love the way early lines come back at the end, but not exactly -- more like theme and variation -- especially "airbrushed" becoming "ambushed." A sense of history, and the speaker's position in it. The stanza "a boy runs his finger alongrailings, rising to his tongue the taste of rain"is very evocative for me. Are these rusty railings? The taste of rain and rust?
thanks james, I'm glad you like it and I like the rust idea!
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