Sunday, October 12, 2008

This is the first draft of the second poem that was hiding in the first draft of my last poem - did that make sense?!

Last Ferry

The pier lights glow like gas lamps

(post removed)

11 comments:

Singing Bear said...

Extremely evocative, although I fear I'm too dumb to know exactly what. Rather moving.

Sorlil said...

thankyou, I'm glad you think so. I don't set out to be obscure but I'm never one for thinking that there's only one 'right' reading, I'm happy for what ever you take out of it!

Singing Bear said...

That's the way I like to read poetry.

Jim Murdoch said...

This is good. I've read it several times today because things have kept getting in the way. It has grown on me. I might be tempted to replace 'circuit board' with 'Christmas tree' to emphasise the season; I had to think a bit about the stars coming out of the narrator's mouth. I did find myself looking for a third line in the last stanza. It works with only two but if you have a third you might give it a try out. Other than that I'd be picking fault for no good reason. Glad to read you got a poem accepted recently by the way.

Sorlil said...

thanks jim, I'm glad you like it, I'll keep your thoughts in mind.

James Owens said...

I really like the mood here, the work with sound, especially internal rhyme. There is a strong sense of rhythm that carries the voice through.

A few lines seem to sag, for me. For example, "in the darkening twilight sky" -- twilight skies are automatically darkening; "there is not a breath of air to breathe" -- what else would one do with a breath of air, except breathe it? These things are easy to fix, I think, if they are really problems, anyway.

I love the sound of "The drone of the ferry drawing in / is the soundtrack of going home." The pattern of vowels here sounds very much like a boat....

Sorlil said...

thanks very much for that james, thanks for pointing out those lines - I have a think about it.

Dave King said...

I agtee with Jim: the poem does grow on you. I was particularly taken with
Silver railings slice up the Firth
into manageable bites.

I am afraid that I, too, could not fathom the stars coming out of your mouth, but I have a feeling that I'm being thick and missing something obvious.

Sorlil said...

thanks dave! hmmm, I don't want to be cryptic - I'll have a look at that again, thanks.

Singing Bear said...

I really like the stars coming out of your mouth, though I'm not sure what it means (does that matter?). It just seems a really powerful image.

Sorlil said...

I'm glad you like it sb, I admit straightforward narrative is below imagery in my list of poem priorities.