Extremely evocative, although I fear I'm too dumb to know exactly what. Rather moving.
thankyou, I'm glad you think so. I don't set out to be obscure but I'm never one for thinking that there's only one 'right' reading, I'm happy for what ever you take out of it!
That's the way I like to read poetry.
This is good. I've read it several times today because things have kept getting in the way. It has grown on me. I might be tempted to replace 'circuit board' with 'Christmas tree' to emphasise the season; I had to think a bit about the stars coming out of the narrator's mouth. I did find myself looking for a third line in the last stanza. It works with only two but if you have a third you might give it a try out. Other than that I'd be picking fault for no good reason. Glad to read you got a poem accepted recently by the way.
thanks jim, I'm glad you like it, I'll keep your thoughts in mind.
I really like the mood here, the work with sound, especially internal rhyme. There is a strong sense of rhythm that carries the voice through.A few lines seem to sag, for me. For example, "in the darkening twilight sky" -- twilight skies are automatically darkening; "there is not a breath of air to breathe" -- what else would one do with a breath of air, except breathe it? These things are easy to fix, I think, if they are really problems, anyway.I love the sound of "The drone of the ferry drawing in / is the soundtrack of going home." The pattern of vowels here sounds very much like a boat....
thanks very much for that james, thanks for pointing out those lines - I have a think about it.
I agtee with Jim: the poem does grow on you. I was particularly taken with Silver railings slice up the Firthinto manageable bites.I am afraid that I, too, could not fathom the stars coming out of your mouth, but I have a feeling that I'm being thick and missing something obvious.
thanks dave! hmmm, I don't want to be cryptic - I'll have a look at that again, thanks.
I really like the stars coming out of your mouth, though I'm not sure what it means (does that matter?). It just seems a really powerful image.
I'm glad you like it sb, I admit straightforward narrative is below imagery in my list of poem priorities.
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