Wednesday, July 21, 2010

first draft

We meet by a charm of crossbills,
(post removed)

4 comments:

Dianne said...

oh, oh my. I so love this. The peaceful observace of each second. The images and senses and the weave of the words. Made my day.
Dianne

Marion said...

thanks dianne! that's nice of you to say :)

Jim Murdoch said...

Did you realise that the Scottish crossbill is the UK's only endemic bird species? No, me neither and I had to look up ‘endemic’ too. I’ve come back to this piece a couple of times but it’s not grabbing me. The first place I stumble is right at the start. I feel there should be a period at the end of the first line. I also find myself reading ‘sonogram’ too literally, a machine that looks inside you. Yes, your skin could record where breath had touched it but I’m not sure ‘sonogram’ is the right mechanism to use as a metaphor. Why not simply ‘trace’? Have you thought of a title?

Marion Mccready said...

hi jim, thanks for that, you've confirmed some of my thoughts. I'm thinking of making the first line the title.