Saturday, November 06, 2010

First draft -

You come to me, Burnie MacKinnon,

(post removed)


Dianne said...

This is a poem I must read over and over again. The words have a foriegn culture in them, and I hear your native accent as I read them aloud.

wonderful layers of imagery and passion. In my ignorance, I am not afraid to ask, is the subject of the poem a person, an author, or a place. my experience of reading it, it is all three.

from California,

Marion McCready said...

thanks dianne! sorry, I should have said - it's a river/stream. 'burn' is a scots word for river, and burnie is it's diminutive. (looking out the window at the rain, I'm wishing I was in California!!).

Titus said...

Oh, I love this!

One small aside - I'm hesitating/stumbling on the word dissipations. A little too Latinate for me, in this.

Jim Murdoch said...

This grew on me. I tend to agree with Titus about dissipations but if you change 'ekeing' to 'seeping' or something like that you might rescue the line. The word I stumble upon is 'wrack' because of the reference to 'fresh waters'.

James Owens said...

I love the sound of this, and it is filled with happy discoveries: "your auburn depths, your minor whorls," "your culture of stones," "the blood // beating int he soles of my feet," and more.

"Dissipations" does not bother me. I like the sound of it, all those S's, imitative of the sense. As for "ekeing" --- couldn't you just delete it, as more or less redundant? If water "dissipates" it is already by necessity ekeing or seeping or something like that. And "your dissipations across the shingle" has a better, smoother rhythm, I think.

I'm not so persuaded by the last four lines. I like each line (except maybe for "wrack"; I think Jim may be right about that) --- but would you consider moving them up higher in the poem? Here at the end, they feel to me like a conscious effort to go out on the big gesture, and I think the rest of the poem is simply strong enough not to need that. A relatively quiet ending on "your culture of stones" would be lovely.

But these things are mere quibbles. I love this!

Marion McCready said...

thanks everyone for your comments, they've been super helpful :)

James, I really like the idea of ending on culture of stones, thanks for that.