Thursday, April 09, 2009

NaPoWriMo 9

I woke early
to a world misted,

(post removed)


Jim Murdoch said...

I get this piece. It’s one of your most obvious pieces. Perhaps a little too obvious.

I like:

Your warms hands reach out
in the heavy dawn
of my womb.

very much. I wasn’t expecting it. And the in utero world is nicely described. And then we’re in a playground. I’m assuming that the child is still unborn at this stage but that wasn’t how I read it the first time. I thought the kid had been born. If you could smooth out that transition I’d be happier.

And, seriously, have a wee think about a decent title for this one. It could help out your readers no end.

Quite good though.

swiss said...

nope, it's fine by me. as i recall we talked about this at stanza, the difficulty of representation of daily life. true, it may be that when i read it i imagine you in the first instance but at the same time quite some number of my workmates are currently giving birth and while we're generally considering it from the male perspectiven this gives the other side. and i like the scottish/westcoastness of 'play park'.

i can think of a few titles in the context of jim, all of which make me laugh - sorry jim ;) - and i have a notion to make a poem of mainly one word titles entitled poems of one word titles for jim murdoch

Jim Murdoch said...

@Swiss - I have a feeling I'm not being taken seriously. I may need to go off and sulk.

swiss said...

oh, i don't think that. difference in eprspective should always have a joy in it! and i;m well up for this poem of one word titles now!

Marjojo said...

This is lovely, made in a day! I esp. like 'the heavy dawn/of my womb'.

PS. typo in line 4 (warm's')

ambersun said...

I think it's lovely too. I've never thought much about pregnancy before having never been pregnant but this describes what I imagine it would be like

All the best for Easter


An Honest Man said...

I particularly like "wind hushing grains".

Sorlil said...

hi jim, thanks for that, it's always good to hear from different perspectives to get a balanced view on the thing.

hi swiss, thanks. I look forward to your poem for jim :) so what do you call play parks on the east coast?

hi marjojo, thankyou! and thanks for pointing out the typo, it's amazing how blind you are to your own work!

thankyou ambersun, hope you have a lovely Easter also :)

hi honest man, thankyou, I'm glad you like it!

Dave King said...

I am going to announce myself as a fan of this one. It strikes me as honest and straightforward, telling it as it feels, if you like. I think I see where Jim is coming from, but I wouldn't use the word obvious. I think it continues your purple patch. Well done.

Roxana said...

it's interesting that jim calls it 'a little too obvious' but then he is not very sure about whether the child is born or not :-) i guess 'obvious' means here exactly what swiss points out, the every day life feeling of the poem. and this straightforwardness (which still allows space for beautiful images) has won my heart from the beginning. especially this part is marvelous:

as you plunder my body,

your dark home,
for need and amusement.
How quickly you’ve grown,

they say you have eyelids
and a skin of fine hair.

Jim Murdoch said...

@Roxana - Dave's got the right idea here. In the past I've found that Sorlil's poems are a little ... cloudy, they milk the words, make them work overtime whereas I got what this one was about right away. Okay, on the first read I wasn't sure in the baby was still inside the mother's tummy but that was a small point. I don't think it's a bad poem, quite the oppose actually because sometimes I struggle some of her cloudier pieces.

swiss said...

sorlil - just plain old park i think. it's one of those figures of speech/behaviours i associate with moving to the west.

jim - peoms as clouds? you may just jave solved a problem for me!

Sorlil said...

thanks dave :)

thankyou roxana, I'm glad you like it!

'milk the words' - that's exactly what I want to do jim, lol

hi swiss, I guess I'm west entrenched, the east does seem a little bit of a foreign land to me!

s said...

I was watching your other blog for an insight into this new life, but glad I've discovered it here!

Sorlil said...

hi s, glad you dropped by!

s said...

yeah, and am still waiting for you to update about your bump and know who I am :0) xx