I get this piece. It’s one of your most obvious pieces. Perhaps a little too obvious. I like:Your warms hands reach out in the heavy dawn of my womb.very much. I wasn’t expecting it. And the in utero world is nicely described. And then we’re in a playground. I’m assuming that the child is still unborn at this stage but that wasn’t how I read it the first time. I thought the kid had been born. If you could smooth out that transition I’d be happier.And, seriously, have a wee think about a decent title for this one. It could help out your readers no end.Quite good though.
nope, it's fine by me. as i recall we talked about this at stanza, the difficulty of representation of daily life. true, it may be that when i read it i imagine you in the first instance but at the same time quite some number of my workmates are currently giving birth and while we're generally considering it from the male perspectiven this gives the other side. and i like the scottish/westcoastness of 'play park'.i can think of a few titles in the context of jim, all of which make me laugh - sorry jim ;) - and i have a notion to make a poem of mainly one word titles entitled poems of one word titles for jim murdoch
@Swiss - I have a feeling I'm not being taken seriously. I may need to go off and sulk.
oh, i don't think that. difference in eprspective should always have a joy in it! and i;m well up for this poem of one word titles now!
This is lovely, made in a day! I esp. like 'the heavy dawn/of my womb'. PS. typo in line 4 (warm's')
I think it's lovely too. I've never thought much about pregnancy before having never been pregnant but this describes what I imagine it would be likeAll the best for EasterAmber
I particularly like "wind hushing grains".
hi jim, thanks for that, it's always good to hear from different perspectives to get a balanced view on the thing.hi swiss, thanks. I look forward to your poem for jim :) so what do you call play parks on the east coast?hi marjojo, thankyou! and thanks for pointing out the typo, it's amazing how blind you are to your own work!thankyou ambersun, hope you have a lovely Easter also :)hi honest man, thankyou, I'm glad you like it!
I am going to announce myself as a fan of this one. It strikes me as honest and straightforward, telling it as it feels, if you like. I think I see where Jim is coming from, but I wouldn't use the word obvious. I think it continues your purple patch. Well done.
it's interesting that jim calls it 'a little too obvious' but then he is not very sure about whether the child is born or not :-) i guess 'obvious' means here exactly what swiss points out, the every day life feeling of the poem. and this straightforwardness (which still allows space for beautiful images) has won my heart from the beginning. especially this part is marvelous:as you plunder my body,your dark home,for need and amusement.How quickly you’ve grown,they say you have eyelidsand a skin of fine hair.
@Roxana - Dave's got the right idea here. In the past I've found that Sorlil's poems are a little ... cloudy, they milk the words, make them work overtime whereas I got what this one was about right away. Okay, on the first read I wasn't sure in the baby was still inside the mother's tummy but that was a small point. I don't think it's a bad poem, quite the oppose actually because sometimes I struggle some of her cloudier pieces.
sorlil - just plain old park i think. it's one of those figures of speech/behaviours i associate with moving to the west.jim - peoms as clouds? you may just jave solved a problem for me!
thanks dave :)thankyou roxana, I'm glad you like it! 'milk the words' - that's exactly what I want to do jim, lolhi swiss, I guess I'm west entrenched, the east does seem a little bit of a foreign land to me!
I was watching your other blog for an insight into this new life, but glad I've discovered it here!
hi s, glad you dropped by!
yeah, and am still waiting for you to update about your bump and S...you know who I am :0) xx
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